以下是Kevin Turvey Investigate...的中英文台本，英文台本是出自Kevin Turvey的有聲CD，中文台本則是我大致翻譯的，目的是用於瞭解大意，實際的觀賞還請以原文觀賞為佳。要找特定主題的調查報告，可以ctrl+f進行查找。
- Death
- Work
- Media
- Advice
- Sex
- Leisure
- Sex Again
- Depression
- Nasty Little Sticky Things
- The Supernatural
1. Death
Good evening, everybody, wherever you are. My name's Kevin Turvey, but you can call me....Kevin Turvey. All right, settle down, settle down. I thought we'd start, like, with a little joke, right, because this week I've been investigating death. Death, the grim rapist. What is it? Where is it? Why is it? You could even say, is it? You could say...anything. Like, a lot of people say anything. I mean, like, the other day, right, I went 'round to see Theresa Kelly, who's, like, this girl that I know. Well, not like, I mean, she is uh....you know. At least I hope she is....*snicker*...anyway...I'd be in trouble if she wasn't..(incoherent babbling)...So I decided to go and see her on the bus, right. Decided not to go in a car, like, cause then I'd have to get, like, loads of money together, and, uh, book up a load of lessons and buy a car. It's just too much trouble. So, I went straight down to the bus stop, right, and started to wait. And just'n as, ooh, as I'd almost finished waiting, right, this bus started to come up the hill. I'd thought, great, I hope that this is a sixty-four, like, I really hope it's a sixty four, and sure enough it was. I thought great....Well, it was bound to be a sixty-four, really, cause only the sixty-fours come up that route. And I stuck my hand out to stop it, and it went straight past...straight past. I thought....well, I can't actually say what I thought, you know, cause, like, there's this rule at the BBC that says that you can't actually talk properly, you know. You have to pretend to talk the way that people who invented TV fifty years ago used to talk. Like, when they were at dinner parties pretending not to swear. It's a very good rule. Don't quite know why they have it. I think it's probably to save money or something like that. Anyway, it's a very good rule. But it wasn't too bad, you see, when the bus went past, and I thought this word, 'cause another bus started coming up the hill. Another sixty-four, right. Not the same one, you know, cause that'd gone...away. Could've been the same one, like, if it'd turned left down Lattimer crescent, and, like, told all his passengers, "Everybody get off now! Get off the bus very fast!" and then he'd whizzed 'round the block, right, with an empty bus, then it could have been the same one, but, like, they don't do that, do they? If they do, I haven't witnessed it, anyway. Don't think so.
So anyway, I got on this bus and I went upstairs, 'cause I wanted to look out the window, you know. And, uh, they got loads of windows up there, so it's quite nice. So I sat up there. I was sitting up there for about five minutes I suppose, looking at things, trees, houses. And the bus conductor came up. I said, "Twelve, please," and he says, "What've you got against the Irish?!"
I said, "I ain't got nothing against the Irish!" and he says, "Oh, ha ha, very funny, look at him sitting there, covered in sick!" and everybody started laughing at me! And I wasn't covered in sick at all, this is a new anorak! But I know what they were laughing at. I think they were probably laughing at what they thought I might have looked like if I was covered in sick. But anyway, I just ignored it for the rest of the journey. But anyway, all that about the bus isn't important, right. I got 'round to Theresa's house, right. I decided not to knock on the door, y'know? 'Cause they got this bell, right? I thought, I'll use this. Got my finger out and pressed the bell, and almost immediately, there was a pause of about a minute, minute ten seconds, and Mrs. Kelly came to the door, like, opened it up, says, "Awright, Kevin?"
I says, "Awright," cause, like, I was, y'know.
She says, "Awright."
I says, "Is Theresa in?"
And she says, "Ah ha! Well, that's where you're in for a bit of trouble, isn't it Kevin, 'cause she's out walking the dog!"
And I know their dog died in 1977! I know that, 'cause it's buried under my onions! Not, like, the one's in my kitchen, the ones I grow in my garden. Well, I don't grow them. They grow themselves. Or God grows 'em. Anyway, that's a different question, isn't it? So how could she possibly have been walking the dog, unless it's had puppies? And how could it? I would have noticed that the onions have been disturbed! So basically, what I'm trying to say is that if you go around to a girl's house, right, and she's not in, then don't count on her being in love with you, alright? Until next week, Armchair Britain, don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating, Kevin's here.
晚上好，各位，不管你在哪。我是Kevin Turvey，但你可以叫我...Kevin Turvey。好拉，放輕鬆、放輕鬆。我們就從一個笑話開始吧，因為這個禮拜我一直在調查死亡。
死亡，陰森的強姦犯。它是什麼？它在哪裡？為什麼是它？你甚至可以說，是它嗎？你可以說...什麼都是。很多人都這樣說的。哪，有這麼一天啊，我去找Theresa Kelly，那個好像跟我認識的女孩。呃，不是好像，就算認識吧...。至少我希望她跟我...呵呵...
我決定搭公車去看她。我決定不要開車去，因為那樣我就必須準備很多錢，報名一堆課程，然後給自己買輛車。那樣真的太麻煩了。
所以我就直接走去公車站，然後我就開始等啦。
就在我等到不想等的時候，公車從山丘上出現了。我就想，好極了，我希望那是一台46號公車，我真的希望是46號，而且我確定那就是46號。好極了，那必須要是46號，因為只有46號會開這條路。
我將頭探出候車站，它就這樣直接開過去了...直接開過去。
我想...呃，我沒辦法真的說出我想了什麼，因為，BBC有這麼一條規定：你不可以把話講得太明白，了嗎。你必須像50年前發明電視機的古早人那樣說話。就是說他們在吃晚餐的時候你不能說髒話。這是很好的規定。不太清楚這規定怎麼來的。我想很可能是為了省錢之類的。
總 之，這是一條很好的規定。但這規定在公車開過去的時候也不算太壞，我是這麼想的：「因為另一台公車開始出現在山丘上了。另一台64號，了嗎。不是同一台， 了嗎，因為那台已經...走了。可以是同一台，如果它在Lattimer crescent左轉，跟乘客說『大家下車!趕快下車!』然後他馬上迴轉，開著一台無人公車過來，那就可以是同一台了。但是，嗯，他們不這麼做，對吧？有 的話我也不知道啊...」
總之，我攔下這台公車，踏上階梯。我想看窗外，公車上有很多窗戶，真的很不錯。我坐下了，坐了大概有五分鐘吧，看窗外的東西，樹啦，房子啦，然後票務員就過來了。我說「12，謝謝。」他說，「你瞧不起愛爾蘭人嗎？」
我說「我沒有瞧不起愛爾蘭人！」他說「噢哈哈，真好笑，看看他坐在這裡，身上都是嘔吐物！」所有人就開始笑我！我身上才沒有嘔吐物，這件風衣是新買的！但我知道他們在笑什麼。他們很可能是在笑我看起來好像身上有嘔吐物。
總 之，我一路上都無視他們。總之，跟那台公車有關的一切都不重要，好嗎。我到了Theresa的家，我決定不要敲門。因為他們裝了門鈴，我想我就得用它吧。 我伸出手指按下門鈴，幾乎是同時，差不多一分鐘的停頓，一分鐘又十秒。然後Kelly太太來應門了，她把門打開，然後說「你好，Kevin？」
我說「你好，」因為我，嗯，你們懂的。
她說「很好。」
我說「Theresa在嗎？」
她說「啊哈！你遇到難題了，Kevin，因為她出去遛狗了！」
但 我知道它們的狗1997年就死了！我會知道，是因為牠被埋在我的洋蔥下面！不是我廚房裡的，是我種在花圃裡的那些。呃，不是我種的，它們是自己長的。可能 是上帝種的。總之別的問題先不談了，她怎麼可能出去溜狗，除非那隻狗生了小狗？又怎麼可能呢？我應該會注意到洋蔥的土被翻過啊！
結論，我想說的就是你去拜訪一個女孩，而她不在家，那就別指望她會愛上你，了嗎？下個禮拜，別忘了準時收看，如果你想調查什麼，Kevin就在這裡。
2. Work
Good evening, everybody. Kevin Turvey here, the man who really investigates everything properly. Not like Keith Marshall. And anyway, Keith Marshall, if I don't investigate things properly, then how come I'm on the BBC and you're not? Think about that sometimes! And it wasn't me that nicked your bike, anyway! Just a bloke asked me to move it, that's all, so I moved it 'round the corner. I didn't nick it! Anyway, good evening, everybody else. Before we start, I thought I'd better apologise for my sore throat. Only, yesterday I was investigating how many times you have to shout, "Tumble dryer," in the high street before somebody comes up to you and offers you a cigarette. It took ages and ages. In the end, I lost count, anyway. Anyway, this week, I decided I'd investigate tarmac, you know, like, why it's black, and things like that. So I got up, like, really early on the first day of my investigation, and thought I'd have a really good breakfast, you know, cereal, so I went into the kitchen, right, got out the cornflakes, put it on the table, went over to the fridge, like, 'cause that's where I keep my milk y'know. Opened up the door, and guess what? There's was no milk! I thought, that's alright, I'll go to Tesco's and get some milk, right, 'cause they got loads down there, y'know. No, they have! I've been there. I've seen it, racks and racks of it. Anyway, I went down there. Went in, like, through the door, y'know, 'cause like, they've got two doors there, y'know. There's one that says, "In," and there's one that says, "Out," and I went in the one that says, "In." Went in there, and that when this really strange thing happened, cause I saw this woman in there, well *snicker* well, it's not odd in Tesco's, y'know, but this one was. I thought, crikey, that's Noel Gordon. I thought, it can't be Noel Gordon, not in Tesco's, like, so I crept up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned 'round, and, d'you know what? I was right! It wasn't! So I got the milk, like, y'know, took it home, and poured it on my cornflakes, like, well, not all of it, *snicker* just a bit, like, y'know. Put the top back on and put it back in the fridge, like, on it's own. Well, not absolutely on it's own. There's a bit of cheese in there, I think, and some ice, y'know, but that's not important, anyway. Sat down to start my cornflakes, and I, I didn't know whether I wanted to listen to the radio or not, so I put on Radio One, y'know. I started eating my cornflakes, and I'd just had a few cornflakes, about fifteen or sixteen cornflakes, but I wasn't counting, y'know. Well, you don't, do you? *snicker* Well, I don't, anyway. I'd be stupid if I did, y'know. Well, I'd just had a few cornflakes, and there was this knock at the door. I thought, ah, that's someone at the door, right, so I got up, like, went 'round the table, and down to the end of the hall, where I keep my front door, and you know them little, uh, holes, like, that you can look through, and see everybody all big outside, y'know? Well, I haven't got one of them, so I opened the door, like, and it was the postman, with a telegram. He says, "Kevin Turvey? I've got a telegram for you." I said, "Oh, great!" He says, "I hope all your family's died in a really painful car accident!" I said, "Why? What've I ever done to you?" and he smashed me in the face! So I got up, like, really quickly, grabbed the telegram, and slammed the door, right. Opened it up. Not the door, like; the telegram. I'd be stupid if I opened up the door again! *snicker* And I read it. It said, "Kevin Turvey, do not investigate tarmac. Investigate work, love, the BBC," so that was a lucky break, wasn't it? Could have spent the whole week investigating the wrong thing! Until next week, Armchair Britain, don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating, Kevin's here.
晚上好，各位。我是Kevin Turvey，是什麼都能好好調查的男人，不像Keith Marshall那傢伙。聽著，Keith Marshall，如果我的調查技術有那麼差勁的話，為什麼是我在BBC做節目、而不是你呢？想想這個問題吧！而且我沒有偷你的腳踏車！只是有人要我去把它移動一下，我才把它移到轉角去，我沒有偷它！
總之，其它人晚上好。在我們開始之前，我要為我的喉嚨道歉。因為我昨天在大街上調查，要喊幾遍「滾筒式洗衣機」，才會有人過來遞菸給你。我喊了很久很久，到後來都忘記喊幾遍了。
這個禮拜，我決定要調查柏油路，比如它為什麼是黑色的。所以我在第一天起了大早，因為我想先吃頓很不錯的早餐，喜瑞爾！我走進廚房，拿了玉米片，放在桌上，再走去冰箱，因為那是我冰牛奶的地方。打開冰箱門，猜怎麼了？
裡面沒有牛奶！
我就想，好吧，我要去Tesco弄一點！那兒的牛奶可多了。真的、我之前看過，一架又一架的牛奶。反正我就去了Tesco，走進去，穿過那扇門，他們有兩扇門。其中一扇寫著「進」，另一扇寫著「出」，我進了那扇寫著「進」的。
進去之後，奇怪的事情就發生了，因為我看到一個女人在裡面，這在Tesco不稀奇喇，但這次很奇怪。我想，我的媽，那是Noele Gordon(英國女演員,1919-1985)！我想，那不會是Noele Gordon，不會在Tesco裡面啊。所以我繞到她後面，拍拍她的肩膀，她就轉過身來，猜怎麼了？我說對了！那不是她！
我買到了牛奶，拿回家，倒在我的玉米片上，不是全部倒下去，就倒一點點。把蓋子蓋上，放進冰箱，讓它單獨待在那裡。也不完全是單獨，我想裡面還有一些起司，一些冰淇淋，反正不重要。
坐下來吃我的玉米片。我不確定自己想不想聽廣播，所以我轉到廣播一台。我開始吃我的玉米片，只吃了一點點，大約十五或十六片玉米片，我沒在數。正常人不會數吧，對嗎？反正我不會去數，那樣不是很白癡嗎？
我才吃了一點點玉米片，敲門聲就響了。我想，有人在門外，於是我站起來，繞過餐桌，一直來到走道盡頭，就是我放著前門的地方。你們知道這種門上都會有個小洞，你可以從那個洞看到外面的人，但是我的前門沒有，所以我把門打開，站在外面的是郵差先生，還拿著電報。
他說「Kevin Turvey？我這有封電報給你。」
我說「喔，太棒了！」
他說「我希望你全家出車禍然後全部死光光！」
我說「為什麼？我對你做了什麼？」
然後他賞了我一巴掌！
我很快的站起來，拿過電報，把門關上，再打開它。不是開門，是開電報。我再開門就是白癡了不是嗎！我開始讀電報。上面寫著「Kevin Turvey，不要調查柏油路，調查工作，愛你的BBC。」真走運，不是嗎？差點浪費一個禮拜調查不對的東西！
下個禮拜，別忘了準時收看，如果你想調查什 麼，Kevin就在這裡。
3. Meida
Tesco's, right, like, looking after a dog for a mate. You know, just minding my own business, and this bloke came up and tried to put ten pence in the top of my head! I said, "What do you thing you're doing?" He says, "You're not blind!" He says, "People like you make me sick!" and he walked off over the car park. And I watched him all the time, and he wasn't sick! He was a liar! Anyway, this week, I've been investigating the media, and it hasn't been much of an investigation. It only took me about four hours to look it up in the dictionary, that's all. 'Cause it was quite near the back, you know, it's quite a long book, y'know. And, all it means is, like, television and newspapers, that's all. So I didn't have anything to do for the rest of the week, so I just didn't do anything. Well, I did a few things, like, you know, walking about, and go into shops and out of shops again. But basically, I didn't do anything. Then, on Thursday, this really strange thing happened. Stranger than truth! Except that it was true. Strange, anyway. I was watching Top of the Pops, right, 'cause I always like to catch Top of the Pops, 'cause, like, they have these charts of, like, which groups have made the most money each week, y'know, which is quite important for young people to know. And I was watching it, and there was this tap on the window, and I looked 'round, and it was the postman. I thought, that's weird. Not because it was, like, late, y'know, at half-past seven, but because we live on the third floor! I thought, oh well, he probably just wants to watch Top of the Pops or something, so I'll leave him alone, y'know. Carried on watching Jake (Schake?) and Stephen, who's very good, and the little tap came again. So I looked 'round. I thought, "It's no good; I'm just going to have to go and see what this is. So I walked over. I said, "I'm just going to open the window," you know, and he sort of shook his head a bit. And I opened it up, and he'd gone! I looked down, and he's in the greenhouse, doing a sort of wriggly dance on the floor! I thought, I'm going to have to find out about this, so I went outside, right. I didn't bother to put on my raincoat, cause, like, well, I wasn't really thinking about it, and anyway, it wasn't raining, so that's not really important at all. Anyway, I went down. I said, "What's going on, Mr. Postman?" and, like, he handed me this little note. So I took it, and like, read it, and it said, "Dear Kevin Turvey, before you finish reading this note, you'll receive a severe blow on the back of your head with a hammer, love, The Postman. PS. Do you..." Ooh! And I thought, ah! What's that!? And this WHACK on the back of my head! WHAP! Like that, and I thought, I'd better hold on, otherwise I'm going to lose my eyeballs. And it came again like this. It didn't say anything about a third blow, did it? But, oh another one came. I went, "Whoa!" I thought, what's going on here? I thought I'd better get down to the hospital. So I started to crawl off, y'know. I thought, I wouldn't call an ambulance, like, 'cause it's only a short crawl. I crawled down the road, crawled 'round the corner. Crawled up the flyover, and down the other side, like, really fast, going away. Crawled up the steps to the hospital. They're very nice in the hospital, like, the bloke opened the door, and I crawled in, said, "Sorry about your floor, mate!" and I crawled over to, like, the desk, which is what they call the little hole that the nurse sticks her head through. She says, "Are you National Health or private?" I says, "National Health, please." She says, "Right. Over there." so I went out into the carpark, where she was pointing, like. There was loads of other people sitting out there, right. Some of them were, like, lying there. Some of them were sort of hanging, y'know. It wasn't very nice. Anyway, I started to wait there, and then, just at the end of the wait, this doctor came over with a hypodermic syringe, like, a needle, y'know. And he says, "Kevin Turvey?" and I says, "Yeah." He says, "Drop your trousers," so I dropped my trousers. He says, "Drop your pants," so I dropped my pants. I don't know why he didn't tell me to drop them both at the same time, y'know. He could have saved a lot of time, really, but I suspect he didn't know that I was wearing any pants, you see. Strange people, doctors, anyway. So he says, "I'm going to give you an injection," and he was right. It went THWACK in the back of my head. I thought, ah, what's this!? And that's just when these huge, great, thirty-foot slugs started appearing, and coming towards me, and saying, "Kevin Turvey, give us your legs! We haven't got any, you bastard!" It turned out to be a pretty rough week, really. Anyway, that's the last time I watch Top of the Pops with the curtains open. Until next week, viewers, Kevin's here.
你們知道我今天發生什麼事嗎？我站在Tesco外面，幫一個朋友看狗。我自顧自忙我的事，有個傢伙就過來把十便士放在我頭上！我說「你以為你在幹什麼？」他說「原來你沒瞎！你這種人讓我生病（反胃）！」接著就從穿過停車場走掉了。我一直盯著他看，他根本沒病！他是個騙子！
總之，這個禮拜，我一直在調查媒體，這回我可沒有浪費太多力氣，好歹只花了我四個小時查字典。因為它被寫在比較後面的地方，字典是很厚的一本書，總之它的意思是，電視和報紙，就這樣。如此一來這個禮拜我都沒事可幹了，所以我就什麼也不幹。
我還是做了一點事，像是，到處走動，走進一家商店再走出來之類的。但基本上，我什麼也沒幹。到了星期三，很奇怪的事情發生了。比事實還要奇怪！除了它本來就是真的，總之就是怪。
我正在看Top of the Pops（即英國流行歌唱節目TOTP）。我一直很喜歡看Top of the Pops，因為他們提供的排行榜，每個禮拜都會告訴你哪個團體賺了最多錢，瞭嗎？這對年輕人來說是非常重要的資訊。就在我看這節目的時候，有人敲了敲窗戶。我轉頭一看，發現是郵差先生。我心想，這可真詭異。不是因為天色晚了，那時候剛過七點半。而是因為我們住在三樓！
我心想，他大概也想看Top of the Pops吧，所以我就隨便他了。繼續看Jake和Stephen－－他們唱得很好，這時候窗戶又響了。我轉頭看看，心想「不好，我得過去看看怎麼一回事。」我走過去，說道「我要把窗戶打開了。」他稍微搖了搖頭。我還是把窗戶打開，他卻不見了！我往下看，看到他在溫室裡面，在地板上跳扭扭舞！我決定要去了解一下，就走出去。我沒有穿上我的雨衣，因為我根本沒想要穿它，又沒下雨，這一點也不重要。
我下到了溫室，問「怎麼了，郵差先生？」他交給我一封便條。我拿過來讀，上面寫著「親愛的Kevin Turvey，在你看完這封便條以前，你會被一根鐵槌從背後用力敲打，愛你的，郵差先生。PS，你...」嗷！怎麼回事！我的腦袋被狠狠敲了一下！乓的一下！我得撐住，不然我的眼球就要噴出去了。接著又來一下，也不先說一聲的，是吧？但是，噢又來一下！我叫個不停，心想到底怎麼回事？我不得不去醫院了，所以我開始在地上爬。我不想叫救護車，因為這次不用爬太遠。我爬著來到公路上，爬著經過轉角，爬上高速公路，再爬到路邊，爬得很快很快，最後再爬上醫院的階梯。
醫院的人都很好，有個傢伙開了門，我爬進去說「抱歉弄髒地板，朋友！」接著我就爬進桌子上的，呃，那個護士探頭用的小洞。她說「你有健保嗎？」我說「有有。」她說「好，過來這裡。」
於 是我來到停車場，有一大堆人坐在那裡。有一些人是躺著的，還有一些差不多就吊在那兒。看起來不太好。總之，我在那裡等著，等了一會後，有個醫生拿著針筒過來了。他說「Kevin Turvey？」我回答「是啊。」他說「把褲子脫下來。」我就脫了褲子。他說「把內褲脫下來。」我也把內褲脫了。我不知道他幹嘛不叫我兩件一起脫就好了，可以省多少時間啊。
但他應該是不知道我有沒有穿內褲吧。全是怪人，這些醫生們喔。
然後他說「我要幫你打一針。」而他說的是真的。我腦袋上給來了這麼一下！我想，怎麼回事！？就在這時候，一隻巨大的蛞蝓朝我爬了過來，嘴裡說著「Kevin Turvey，把你的腳給我們！我們一隻腳也沒有，你這個混帳！」
這個禮拜我過得非常煎熬。總之，那是我最後一次看Top of the Pops不拉窗簾了。下個禮拜，觀眾朋友別忘了，Kevin在這裡。
4.Advice
Good evening. Where's the cameras? Well, you might have told me you changed the whole studio around! You know I'm in a hurry! Yeah, and the same to you with bogey's wrapped 'round it! Uh, listen, my name's Kevin Turvey, and, uh, and I'm and investigative reporter and all that, but, uh, this week I've been investigating advice, right, which is another word for help. Well, it's not really. Not if you're drowning, anyway. I mean you don't swim there going, "Advice! Advice!" I mean, they'd just shout, "Swim, ya brannie!" And then you drown, don't you? It's no good. Well, unless you want to drown, anyway, but that's not important. The thing is, I haven't got time for my report, right? 'Cause I've just met this bloke outside in the bushes, right? I was just doing some investigating into leaves, y'know, how come they grow on trees and what do they taste like if you smoke 'em, and things like that, anyway. And he says, "Psst. Are you Richard Baker? I says, "No, I'm Kevin Turvey," which is, like, true, y'know, and he says, "Listen, can you give this," and he gave me this, right, he gave me this clock. He says, "Can you give this to Ian Trethawan?" Ian Trethawan, who's, like, the leader of the BBC. And he says, uh, "'Cause he's got to have it any minute now. I don't know why. I think it's the Playschool clock or something like that." I said, "Can't you give it to him?" He says, "No, I can't. I've got a headache, you see." So I said, "Well, look, I've got a report in a minute." He said, "It's more important than that. Give it to him now! You've got two and a half minutes!" and now I've only got a minute, so listen, I'll tell you a story, right? Once upon a time, there's this fish, right, who lives in the bushes by the BBC, and uh, he meets this, um, prince, who's called Kevin, and, uh, I've just been handed this note. Right. And then he marries the prince, and they have lots of babies. The things packed in now. Alright! Work you bogey gobbler! It's no good. I'm going to have to go to a watch mender's. So I'll leave you with this little joke, right? What do you say to a man who's got no arms and no legs if your watch is broken? "Have you got the time on your cock?" *the bomb explodes*
晚上好。鏡頭在哪裡？又沒人跟我說攝影棚轉向啦！不知道我在趕時間嘛！是啊，你這混蛋也好不到哪裡去！
聽著，我是Kevin Turvey，我是一個調查報告員，本週我一直在調查「建議(advice)」，換句話說就是「幫助(help)」的意思。其實也沒什麼幫助， 除非你剛好溺水。你不會在那裡喊著「給我建議！給我建議！」他們只會叫你「游啊、你這白癡！」然後你就淹死了，不是嗎？這很不好。除非你本來就想淹死自己，但這都不是重點。
重點是，我沒有時間做調查，瞭嗎？因為我在草叢裡遇到一個傢伙，瞭嗎？當時我正在調查葉子，瞭嗎？為什麼它們會長在樹上，吸食它們的 感覺怎麼樣，之類的。那傢伙說「Psst，你是Richard Baker(BBC1新聞播報員)嗎？」我說「不是，我是Kevin Turvey。」
他 說「你可以幫我轉交這個嗎？」然後他就給了我這個，他給了我這個鐘。「你可以幫我轉交給Ian Trethawan嗎？」Ian Trethawan是BBC的總監。接著他說「他必須趕快拿到這個鐘。我不知道為什麼。我想這是個幼教節目用的鐘還怎麼的。」我問「你不能自己拿給他 嗎？」他說「不行，我頭在痛，看不出來嗎？」於是我說「我等一下還有調查報告哪。」他說「這個比較重要，現在就拿去給他！我只給你兩分半鐘！。」
現 在我只剩一分鐘了。所以，我要跟你們說一個故事，瞭嗎？很久以前，有一條魚，住在BBC旁邊的灌木叢裡，然後牠遇到一個呃，王子，叫做Kevin，然後...呃，我剛收到這張便條。好。然後牠嫁給了這個王子，他們一起生了很多寶寶。快來不及了！這個爛東西！好好走啊！這可不好，我得去找個修鐘錶的。我 就留個笑話給你們吧，好嗎？如果你們的手錶壞了，你們會對一個沒有手臂和腳的男人說什麼？
『你*那裡*有時間嗎？』
5.Sex
Do you know how much it costs to go to Medicare? Ninety-six quid, that's how much! Where am I going to get that kind of money? I'm not, that's where! So I'm never ever going to a medicare, ever. Anyway, good evening. My name's Kevin Turvey, and here's a good one: Why does Mrs. Thatcher always wear barbed-wire underwear? She doesn't. It's a joke. I thought, you see, this week's subject is Sex, which is slightly embarrassing, so that's why I'd start with a bit of a joke, right. Well, not a bit of a joke, like, a whole of a joke. Bit of a joke would be no good, really. *snicker* Not unless it was the funny bit, anyway. So this week I thought, how am I going to find out about sex? And I thought, I know, I'll become a prostitute, so that's what I did, right? I went out and bought myself a handbag. Well, it wasn't real handbag. It was like a plastic bag, but I stretched out the handles because it looked like a handbag. I put it on my shoulder and hung around outside Tesco's, right, for about a day. And then my first client came along. He was disguised as a policeman. He sidled up next to me, right, and he says, "Uh, excuse me, have you got the time?" Which is, like, prostitute's code. And I said, "Uh, about sixteen quid, and he said, "You trying to be funny?" and said, "Alright, then, ten quid," and that's when he started punching me, right? It was about the seventh or the eighth punch, I think. Might've been the ninth, anyway. It was about then I thought, he doesn't realize I'm a prostitute! So I started to run, right, and I ran straight into Tesco's and tripped over this big basket they've got in there, and I thought, brilliant! Of course, a basket! That's what I should do. I'll invite Theresa Kelly over for supper and I'll have sex with her afterwards. Brilliant, 'cause I've got all the things I'm going to need. I've got sausages, and, uh, potatoes, gravy, furniture, loads, I've got loads of things. I mean, like, windows, and all sorts of things, but it was just the food that I was thinking about at the time, right? And also, this friend of mine, right, Keith Marshall, well, he would be my friend, like, if I liked him y'know. He said that if you want to have sex with somebody, the thing to do, right, is to get some aphrodisiac, which is, like, this food that you eat that turns you into a sex maniac, and apparently, the best kind that you can get is powdered rhino's horn, right? Well, they don't sell it in Tesco's. I don't think there's much call for it in Reddichtree, like. So I thought, well, I know what I'll do. I'll get a file and go up to the zoo, and get some for myself. Then I thought, well that's no good. I'll be there all afternoon. And then, it would be quite dangerous, anyway. I mean, what if the rhino didn't realize I was just powdering his nose for an aphrodisiac, y'know, he thought I was insulting him or something? It thought, no, no, I'll use soap powder, it's much the same; it comes from the same animal, doesn't it? So that's what I did. I went home and, like, prepared everything, put it on the plates, cooked it, put it on the plates, and laid out the table, put a candle in the middle of the table. I didn't really need to light it, because we've got this strip lighting, anyway, in the kitchen. It's nice and bright in there, anyway. And I thought, right, everything's ready. I'd better invite Theresa Kelly before the food goes cold. So came right up to the phone, and picked it up, right? Dialed the number. I won't actually tell you what the number was, 'cause it's not important, and it'd just waste time if we started talking about the telephone and things like that. And she answered, I'd got the number right, and said, "Hello?" I said, "Theresa Kelly? This is Kevin Turvey. Would you like to come over and have supper with me? What we're having is potatoes and gravy and sausages, with nothing on it at all, and then have sex with me afterwards." And she said, "Well, I'd like to, Kevin, but I've just been hit by a bus and I'll be in a coma until Wednesday." It's always happening to her, that. So anyway, I didn't find anything about sex, I'm afraid. I can't really tell you. But I did find out that eating aphrodisiacs makes you violently sick. So anyway, until next week, viewers, don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating, Kevin's here.
你知道要花多少錢才能申請到老人健保嗎？96鎊，就是這麼多！我到哪裡生這麼多錢出來？我生不出來！就是這樣！所以我永遠也不會去申請老人健保！絕不！
總 之，晚上好。我是Kevin Turvey，有個笑話給你們：為什麼柴契爾夫人老是穿著網狀內衣？(停頓)她沒有穿，這是個笑話。我在想，這禮拜的主題是性，有點令人害羞，我才會先說 一點笑話，瞭嗎。呃，不只說了一點，我說了一整個笑話。只說一點笑話不太好，呵呵，除非我剛好說到笑點上。
總之我就想，我該怎麼調查「性」呢？我知道了，我要去當妓女，所以我就去了。我出門給自己買了個手提包。嗯，不完全是個手提包，那其實是個塑膠袋。但我還是抓著帶子，讓它看起來像個提包。我把它提到肩上，然後Tesco外面閒晃，晃了一整天。
終於我的第一個客人上門了。他把自己假裝成警察，鬼鬼祟祟的來到我身邊說「抱歉，你有時間嗎？」很明顯吧，就是妓女的暗號。我就說「呃，16鎊喔。」他說「你在開我玩笑嗎？」我說「那好吧，十鎊。」然後他就開始揍我，瞭嗎？揍了我大概有七、八下吧。也可能是九下。
那時候我才明白，他根本不知道我是妓女！於是我開始跑，直接跑進Tesco，然後被他們的買菜籃給絆了一下。我心想，好極了！買菜籃！這就是我需要的。我要邀請Theresa Kelly來吃晚餐，之後我就要跟她上床。
好 極了！萬事具備。我買了香腸，呃，馬鈴薯，肉醬，很多傢俱，我買了好多好多東西，我滿腦子只想著食物的事，瞭嗎？另外，我的朋友Keith Marshall，嗯，他可以是我的朋友，如果我喜歡他的話。他說如果你想跟某個人上床，你所要做的就是買一點催情藥，和著晚餐吃下後你就會變成性愛瘋 子，而且你最好就是搞到犀牛的骨粉，瞭嗎？但是Tesco裡沒有賣那個，我覺得雷迪奇人(Kevin住在雷迪奇)對犀牛粉的需求不大。
於 是我知道我要做什麼了，我要拿著小刀去動物園，設法幫自己弄到一點。接著我就想，這可不好，我在那會耗掉一整個下午的。這樣的話就太危險了，如果犀牛不知 道我只是想削一點牠的鼻子下來做催情藥呢？如果他以為我要挑釁他怎麼辦？算了、算了，我還是用肥皂粉好了，也差不了多少，都是從同一種動物身上來的，不是 嗎？
我回到家，開始準備一切。該切好的切好，該煮的煮好，把餐桌擺好，還放了一根蠟燭在中間。我不需要點亮它，因為廚房裡就有兩盞日光燈 了。好了，一切就緒。我最好在飯菜冷掉前叫Theresa Kelly過來。走到電話邊，拿起電話，撥了號碼，我不會跟你說號碼是幾號，因為那不重要，如果我們開始談電話方面的事情會浪費太多時間的。
她 接了，我沒打錯。我說「哈囉？Theresa Kelly？我是Kevin Turvey，你想過來跟我一起吃晚餐嗎？過來吃馬鈴薯和肉醬和香腸，吃完以後跟我上床。」然後她說「嗯，我很樂意，Kevin，但是我剛剛被公車撞了， 我會一直昏迷到星期三。」她老是發生這種事。
總而言之，我想關於「性」我什麼也沒調查到，我什麼也無法告訴你們。但至少我發現吃催情藥會讓你生不如死。下個禮拜，各位觀眾別忘了，如果你有什麼想調查的東西，Kevin就在這裡。
6.Leisure
I'll turn around when I'm ready, Bogey Face! Good evening, I suppose. I thought I was supposed to have this week off. They said to me at the beginning of the week, "This week, Kevin, it's relaxation and taking it easy. Y'know, general leisure." I thought, great, I spent the week in bed. Well, not the whole week. I got up to go to the lavatory, and, like, to eat. Well, you've got to eat, y'know, otherwise, you can't go to the lavatory. So, I had a great week, y'know, and I woke up this morning, about eleven o'clock, y'know, 'cause I've got this alarm clock, right, it's a great alarm clock. It's great, 'cause if you set it right, the little buzzer goes off, right, and then you stretch your arm up to turn it off and it pours boiling water all over your arm. It's very refreshing, it's great. Works every time.
So I was sitting up in bed, like, changing the bandages on my arm this morning, and there was this hammering at the door. Like, I thought, y'know, someone's in a hurry. So I got out of bed, went to the lavatory, cleaned my teeth, and combed my hair, went and answered the door. And it was the bloke who runs this program. He says, "Oh, there you are, Kevin!"
I says, "Where do you expect me to be? I live here!"
He says, "Where have you been all week?"
I says, "I've been taking it easy in bed, like you said!"
He says, "You're not supposed to take it easy; You're supposed to investigate taking it easy."
I said, "Well, thanks very much for telling me!"
He said, "Listen, Turvey..."
I said, "What do think I'm doing, riding a bicycle," which is quite clever, 'cause, like, I wasn't doing it.
He says, "Listen, Turvey, you go out and investigate leisure right now!"
I said, "What? In my pyjamas?" And he'd already gone down the road, so I went outside and said, "What? In my pyjamas?"
One of my neighbors said, "I don't know. What's in your pyjamas?"
I said, "Shut up!" and got all worked up, y'know. So I went inside, like, and I thought, this is just impossible. I can't work and take leisure at the same time. I can't investigate taking it easy. Not unless I'm really relaxed when I'm investigating. So I thought, maybe that's a good idea. So I thought, I'll go out and get drunk, that's what I'll do. I went down to the pub, right, and got thrown out straight away. Apparently, they don't serve people in pyjamas. So I went round, like, to this other pub which was more liberal, right? I sat there for about an hour, two hours, you know, sitting down, taking it easy, waiting to get served. Eventually, I thought, this is no good. I'll have to just ask for a drink or something, y'know. I was getting worked up again, so I went, like, over to the bar, and I didn't have time to hang about. I said, "Give us a pint of Pernaud now!" He gave it to me. Like, I drunk it straight down, got up off the floor, and went outside. I was getting a bit woozy. I thought, I'd better start investigating pretty quick. What should I investigate first? I know. I'll investigate going to sleep in the park. I went down there, sort of ziggy-zaggy, went down there, and went and laid down in the long grass. Like, not by the swings, 'cause that was making me a bit dizzy when I looked at it.
I laid down, put a newspaper over my face, and laid down, and went to sleep in the long grass. And that's when I had this really terrible dream. I dreamt that I was flying upside-down over Turkey, drinking Pernaud, and all the people were pointing at me and saying, "GIVE US A BANANA, YA BASTARD!"
I woke up with this stabbing pain in the front of my head. And I thought, I'm only drinking Pernaud in halves from now on. And then the pain started moving around in my head, and I opened my eyes and pulled the newspaper back and there was this spike sticking out of my head with this park keeper on the end of it. And he says, "What are you doing going to sleep underneath the litter, you vagrant!"
I said, "I'm not a vagrant; I'm and investigative reporter!"
He says, "If you're an investigative reporter, how come you're covered in sick?" And that was because someone had come up and been sick all over me while I had been asleep! So this is what I learned about leisure, Mr. Producer!
我準備好就會自己轉過去啦，蠢貨！晚上好啊才怪，我以為這禮拜有假可放呢。他們事先就跟我說好了，「這禮拜啊，Kevin，就是放輕鬆好好休息，渡假。」 我想說這真好，於是整個禮拜都躺在床上了。呃，也不是整個禮拜，我有起床上廁所和吃東西。你得要吃飯，不然你就不能去廁所。所以這週我過得很棒，瞭嗎？然 後我今天早上起床了，大約七點鐘，被我的鬧鐘叫醒的，瞭嗎？那是個很棒的鬧鐘，因為你只要設定對了，它就會嗡嗡響，你伸個懶腰把它關掉，它就會把滾水澆在 你的手臂上。馬上就清醒了，超有效的，不曾失靈過！
所以我坐在床上，幫我的手臂換上新藥布，這時門被重重的敲響了。我想，有人很急啊。於是我離開床，走進廁所，刷刷我的牙齒，梳梳我的頭髮，再去應門。原來是做這節目的傢伙。他說「你在這啊，Kevin!」
我說「你以為我會在哪裡？這是我家呀！」
他說「你這禮拜都去哪了你？」
我說「我一直都躺在床上度假呢，就像你說的！」
他說「你不可以度假，你應該去調查度假！」
我說「噢，謝謝你告訴我啊！」
他說「聽著，Kevin...」
我說「你以為我在幹嘛，騎腳踏車？」我這話說得很妙，因為我沒在騎。
他說「聽著，Kevin，你現在就出去調查度假！」
我說「蛤？穿著我的睡衣嗎？」
但他已經走出我家了，所以我只好走出我家說「蛤？穿著我的睡衣嗎？」
我的一個鄰居說「我不知道，你睡衣裡有什麼？」（文字遊戲請看原文）
我說「閉嘴！」氣死人了。於是我的回屋裡去，覺得這真是難以置信。我不可能工作的同時還度假啊。我不能調查放鬆，除非我調查的時候很放鬆。接著我就想，也許這是個好主意。我要出去喝個爛醉，就這麼辦。
我 去了酒吧，馬上就被踢了出來。很顯然他們不招待穿睡衣的人。所以我繞到另一家，比這家更開放的，瞭嗎？我坐在那兒大約一、兩個小時吧，坐在那兒，放輕鬆， 等著別人來服務我。到最後，我想這可真不好。我乾脆自己點些什麼還比較乾脆，真是氣死我了。所以我繞過吧台，沒空閒扯了，我說「現在就給老子一杯 Pernod！」他給我了。我一口乾掉，然後從地板上站起來，然後走出去。我整個人有點茫，心想，我最好快點開始調查。我要先調查什麼呢？我知道了，我要 調查在公園裡睡覺。我去了公園，有點搖搖晃晃的到了那裡，接著就躺進了草堆裡。我沒躺在鞦韆底下，看著那個會讓我頭暈。
我躺下來，放了一張報紙在我臉上，然後就在草堆裡睡了。就在這時候我做了一個很可怕的夢。我夢到我在土耳其的上空倒著飛行，一邊喝Pernod！所有人都指著我說「把香蕉給我們！你這混帳！」
我被額頭上的刺痛給驚醒，我想從今以後只喝半杯Pernaud就好了。但是這股刺痛繼續蔓延到整個頭部，於是我睜開眼睛、拉下報紙，原來是公園管理員，在用他的釘鞋刺我的額頭。他說「你憑什麼睡在垃圾底下，你這窩囊廢！」
我說「我不是窩囊廢，我是個調查特派員！」
他說「如果你是調查特派員，為什麼全身都是嘔吐物？」那是因為有人趁我睡覺的時候，過來吐在我身上了！這就是我的報告，製作人先生！
7.Sex Again
Tonight, I'd like to talk about shark fishing, but I don't know the first thing about it. So I'm going to have to talk about something else, I think. And anyway, the BBC have asked me to talk about sex again. So, sex, that's my topic for this week. And, as you can see, uh, Kevin Turvey. Yeah, well, apart from that, what you can see as well is that I've been doing a lot of research into this problem. I've been, uh, to the swimming pool. I've been to the dirty bookshop. I've been to the undertaker's. That was a bit of a miscalculation, really. Well, the undertaker's is right next to the dirty bookshop, y'know, and I wasn't concentrating very hard at the time. Yeah, but they were very helpful in there, y'know, I went in. I said, "Good afternoon, my name's Kevin Turvey, and I'm mainly interested in sex." And they gave me a few hints, like, y'know, they weren't hints about sex, really, so much as about banging your head on a coffin and getting thrown through a window by undertakers, which is okay, y'know, but it wasn't really what I was investigating this week, y'know. And I had to waste quite a lot of time looking for a chemist's to buy some bandages, y'know. Do you know how much bandages cost? Yeah, nor do I. All the chemist's were closed. It took me three hours to find that out. What a waste of time. Well, you know me. Well, you don't. Well, I know me, anyway, but, if you're someone like me, right, then time is money, as they say. Well, I don't quite know who they are that say it, uh, probably clockmaker's, I suppose, and bank managers. Certainly not bank robbers.
You don't get a bank robber going into a bank and saying, "Awright, mate, give us the time!"
"Eh?"
"Come on, give us the time, and no funny business!"
"Are you flicking the vees at me?"
"Look, these aren't the vees. This is a gun, alright?"
"Well, they look like the vees to me, mate!"
"Look, just hand over the money, alright? Stick it all in this bag, alright, and no monkey business."
"What, you mean like going, "Ehhh-eh! I'm a monkey!"
"Yeah, that's the kind of thing. Now are you going to cooperate, or do I have to start getting strange?"
"No, I ain't going to cooperate. Not until you prove that that's a gun. Go on, fire a bullet with your vees, mate."
"Listen, mate, I'm a dangerous criminal, and I ain't got much time!"
"Alright, then, so fire a bullet, Scarface!"
"This isn't a scarf; it's a beard, alright?"
"Look, just stop wasting time, mate, alright, and fire a bullet with your vees, or get out of here, alright?"
"Right, I will. BANG! What do think about that, mate?"
"What do I think about what? What do I think about you going bang, while your fingers is waggling? I think it's pathetic, that's what I think about it, basically. Get yourself a real gun."
"Alright, then, I will. Martin, give us a gun, will you? Right, mate, what do you think about that? Stick 'em up! All of 'em!"
"Blimey, okay, mate. No, wait a minute, you stick 'em up!"
"No, I said it first! You stick 'em up, ya trout!"
"No, you stick 'em up! I've got a gun, mate."
"Listen, I....." Well, I think you get the basic point, anyway. Thank you, Martin. *real gun goes off* Oh dear. Sorry, mate! Sorry, like. Was you talking to him? Oh, you wasn't. Ah, that's alright, then. Well, I think that's about all the time we've got for you this week. *chuckles nervously* Golly, is that the time? So, uh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you there, you know. I mean, all great things have to come to an end, don't they? I mean, look at the M6, y'know. Well, I mean, don't look at it now. But, when you're up there, have a look at it, 'cause it's a great road. Uh, ugh, uh, and, uh, y'know it's times like this when I remember what Theresa Kelly once said to me. She said, "Why don't you sod off, Kevin Turvey," and y'know, I think I know what she meant. So until next week, this is Kevin Turvey, saying, do up your trousers, keep your shoes clean, and, uh, don't tell anyone you saw this program, alright?
晚上好英國。今晚，我想談談釣鯊魚，但我對此一無所知，我還是談點別的吧。再說，BBC一直要我再談一次性話題，因此性就是我這週的題目了。如你們所見 的，Kevin Turvey。除了這個，你們也看到我在這個問題上做了很多研究。我去了游泳池。我去了黃書店。還去了禮儀社，雖然那不在計劃之內。禮儀社就在黃書店的隔 壁，瞭嗎？那時候我不太專心。但是他們幫了我很大的忙。我走進去說「午安，我是Kevin Turvey，我對性很有興趣。」於是他們給了我一點暗示，不是性暗示喔，主要是關於怎麼把人塞進棺材、好讓禮儀師把你丟出窗外。很不錯的建議，卻不是我 這禮拜要調查的東西。我還花了很多時間在藥局買繃帶，你們知道繃帶要多少錢嗎？我也不知道。所有的藥局都關了，我花了三個小時才找到答案。真是浪費時間。 你們也知道我，呃，你們不知道。好吧，至少我自己很清楚，但如果你是我，就像他們說的：時間就是金錢。我不知道他們是誰，大概是鐘錶匠吧。還有銀行經理。 肯定不是銀行搶匪。
你不會看到一個銀行搶匪走進銀行說「朋友，給老子一點時間！」
「欸？」
「快點，把時間交出來，別耍花樣！」
「你朝我比V嗎？」
「不是，這是槍，瞭嗎？」
「我看起來像Ｖ啊，兄弟！」
「聽著，把錢交出來，瞭嗎？全部放進袋子裡，瞭嗎，不准耍猴戲！」
「你是說像這樣，『吱吱－！我是猴子！』」
「對，就是那類的事。現在你是要配合，還是要我給你點顏色瞧瞧？」
「我不配合，除非你證明那是一把槍。繼續啊，用你的V開槍啊。」
「聽著，我是很危險的罪犯，而且我在趕時間！」
「那你就發顆子彈試試，你這刀疤臉(scarface)！」
「這不是圍巾(scarf)，這是鬍子，瞭嗎？」
「聽著，別浪費時間，快用你的V發顆子彈，不然就滾出去，瞭嗎？」
「發就發！砰！怎麼樣啊？」
「什麼怎麼樣？你砰一聲、手指蠕動兩下，就要問我覺得怎樣？我覺得這真是太可悲了，我就是這麼想的。去給自己弄把真的槍！」
「好吧，我會的。馬丁，給老子一把槍，好嗎？好，現在你覺得怎麼樣？把錢放進來，全部！」
「天啊，好吧。不等等，你才把手舉起來！」
「不，我先說的！把手舉起來，你這老禿驢！」
「不，你把手舉起來！我有槍。」
「聽著，我...」呃，我想這樣你們就有概念了吧。
謝 謝你，馬丁。噢天啊，抱歉！你在跟他說話嗎？噢沒有啊，那就沒關係了。所以，我想這就是這禮拜的調查報告了，天呀都這個時候了。很抱歉我要先離開了，凡事 都有結束的時候，不是嗎？我是說，看看M6公路吧。呃，不要現在看。等你要開上那兒的時候，稍微看一下，因為那是條不錯的路，呃，呃，呃，這讓我想起有一 次Theresa Kelly跟我說的話。她說「你幹嘛不閃邊去呢，Kevin Turvey。」我想我知道她想說什麼。下個禮拜，Kevin Turvey要你把褲頭拉好，擦亮你的鞋，別跟其他人說你看了這個節目，瞭嗎？
8.Depression
I don't want to talk about it actually, but I'm actually very depressed. Don't ask me why. I'm just a strange and interesting person, I suppose. A bit like Anita Harris, only without the bullet hole, y'know. So, if you don't mind, I'd just like to sit here, y'know, and not say anything...at all...except that...no, I'm not going to say it, no...alright, I'll just say that one thing. I'm more depressed now than I ever have been in all my life, ever. Well, except for the day that my mate, Dave, got killed. Dave the tortoise. *audience laughs* Well, you can laugh! He was like a pet to me! Well, he was a rat, really. But I cello-taped a plate to his back because the council says that you can't keep vermin 'round our flats. So I said, "What are you doing giving a flat to Keith Marshall then? Ha-ha! Well, they couldn't say anything to that, you know, 'cause, like, I was alone in the bathroom when I said it. Yeah, but, I adopted Dave, y'know, 'cause he was all alone in the world. He had no friends, no relatives, no family. Basically, 'cause, like, he'd eaten them all y'know. But we lived together for three years. Y'know, I mean separate bedrooms and everything, y'know. Until...one day, there was a knock at the door, and so I'd answered it, like, and, uh, it was the milkman, and, uh, I paid him, and, uh, he went away, and I closed the door again, and came back inside, and....I mean, that's got nothing to do with the story, right? No, I just wanted to make it clear that I'm the type of person who pays his debts, so if you see that vulture from the corner shop, telling that it's alright; I'm going to pay up. It's alright. Well, he's not really a vulture, y'know, he's...well, he comes from Leeds. We just call him a vulture. Well, he's got a beak and two wings, and he hangs around on buffaloes, y'know. Anyway, as luck would have it, bad luck mainly, one day, Dave got killed. By a laundrette. Yes, by a laundrette. Well, you see, I used to keep him in the drawer in the kitchen, where I keep all my dirty socks, right? Well, he liked the atmosphere in there, y'know. Well, he was in there on day, having a bit of a sniff, y'know, when it happened. Well, about twenty minutes before it happened, actually, 'cause, well, it takes me about twenty minutes to the laundrette with a bag of washing, y'know. And anyway, to cut a long story short, the end. Uh, no, that's cutting it a bit too short, actually. To cut a very short story a little bit longer, uh, you know when you're an animal, and you accidentally get put in a washing machine with a load of dirty washing, and the washing machine fills up with water, so's you can't breathe, and you want to breathe, then you drown? Any chemist'll tell you, y'know. Well, that's what happened to Dave, 'cause, like, the cycle lasted half an hour, and, apparently, he couldn't hold his breath that long, or if if could, he just forgot how to, y'know. Anyway, you've gotta be philosophical about these things, haven't you? That's why I've decided to kill myself. Well, this is it. Goodbye, Britain! *puts a paper bag over his head* Everything's gone dark. I'm dying....I'm still dying...*takes the bag off* I'm still alive. *looks at paper bag* Well, no wonder I'm still alive! How am I supposed to suffocate with this? Who's in charge of the bags 'round here? Yes, well, it's very embarrassing. I'm trying to kill myself. I don't care if there's nobody watching! It's still embarrassing for me! Yes, it would make a difference if I was dead! I'd be hanging around on clouds with...oh, forget it! Forget it! It's a waste of time! Forget it! It's cancelled! I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but apparently, I'm not going to be able to kill myself this evening. And I hope that hasn't impaired your enjoyment of the program. So until next week, this is Kevin Turvey saying, "Goodbye!" Well, except...I just want to say...Don't bother going to see me in Superman III, 'cause I'm not in it.
我很不想說，但我現在非常沮喪。別問我原因，我只是個既奇怪又有趣的人物。有點像安妮塔·哈里斯，但是沒有子彈孔的版本。你們不介意的話，我想就這樣坐 著，什麼都不說...除了...不，我不會說的，不...好吧，我就說一件事。我現在比過去的任何時刻都還要沮喪，但不包括我朋友Dave被殺掉的那天。 烏龜Dave。你們盡管笑！牠就像是我的寵物！呃，牠其實是隻老鼠。但我在他的背上纏了一個盤子，因為理事會說公寓裡不能有害蟲。我對他們說「那你們怎麼 給Keith Marshall公寓住咧？」哈哈！他們沒辦法回嘴，因為我是在浴室洗澡的時候說的。總之，我領養了Dave，因為牠在這世上孤伶伶的。牠沒有朋友，沒有 親戚，沒有家人。因為牠把牠們全吃了。我們一起住了三年之久，但我們有分房睡的囉。直到有一天，有人敲門，我去應聲，是送牛奶的。我付了錢，他走了，我把 門關上，回到屋內...呃，這跟整個故事沒有關係，瞭嗎？我只是想說我是那種會付帳的人。如果你們在轉角商店看到那隻禿鷹(死要錢)，跟他說我會還清的！ 他也不算是禿鷹，他...他是里茲來的，我們就叫他禿鷹了。他長著一個喙和一雙翅膀，他還在水牛頭上盤旋，瞭嗎？總之風水輪流轉，有一天，Dave被殺 了。被洗衣機。
沒錯，就是洗衣機。
你們瞧，我曾經把牠養在廚房的抽屜裡，就是我放髒襪子的地方。牠喜歡那裡的環境，事情發生的時候牠就在那裡，又聞又嗅的。其實是事情發生的二十分鐘前，因為我用那二十分鐘把一袋衣物拿去洗衣機。總之長話短說...
講完了。
不， 這也說太短了，把短話稍微說長一點。你們知道作為一隻動物，不小心跟一堆髒衣服進了洗衣機，整台機器被水灌滿，你就會無法呼吸，你想要呼吸，接著你就會溺 死，對吧？這就是Dave的遭遇，機器轉了一個半小時，他沒辦法憋那麼久的氣，如果辦得到大概也忘了怎麼做吧。總之，你必須富有哲理的面對這些事情，不是 嗎？
這就是為什麼我決定自殺。
到此為止了，再見，英國！一切都變黑了。我要死了...快死了...我還活著。噢，難怪我 還活著。這玩意怎麼能讓我窒息呢？誰負責這個袋子的？太丟臉了，我是要自殺耶，我才不在乎有沒有人在看！這樣也很丟臉！是喔，如果我死掉就不得了了！我會 在雲上飛著...噢，算了！算了！真是浪費時間！算了！取消了！很抱歉各位先生女士，但是我今天晚上沒辦法殺了我自己。我希望這沒有掃了你對這節目的興 致。下個禮拜別忘了收看，Kevin Turvey對你們說「再見！」除了...我只是想說...別費神跑去看蜘蛛人第三集，因為我沒在裡面。
9.Nasty Little Sticky Things
Today, I had the wrong newspaper delivered. It was this morning. You see, normally, I get Smash Hits, right, but today, no, I do. I've been there. Today, they sent me the Record Mirror. It's amazing the things that happen, isn't it? I expect the next to happen to be something like they'll give me a bottle of Vimto instead of a bottle of milk or something like that, really crackers like that. Tell you what: that'd make your cornflakes taste a bit....uh...Vimtoey, wouldn't it? Well, unless you was having Cocoa Puffs or something like that, y'know...boiled eggs. Only your boiled eggs ain't much like Cocoa Puffs, are they? Well, they're rounder, really, and more eggy-like, y'know. And you don't get chickens out of Cocoa Puffs. Well, not unless you're hallucinating or something like that. Anyway, it's never happened to me. About the nearest thing to it that has happened, right, is that I once met a bloke who claimed to be a milkman. But that's not much like it at all, really. He could have been lying, anyway. People do. I mean, like, I had my legs amputated yesterday, and that's a lie. Quite a good lie, actually. Probably make quite a lot of money with that lie. I could do with quite a lot of money. Well, I spent all of mine on an ice cream, you see. See, 'cause, like, about a half an hour ago, before this, I was hanging around, 'cause I had about a half an hour to kill, right? And I thought, I can either go up to the bar, and get a few drinks down me, y'know, but I thought, I'm always doing that, y'know, and it takes ages to get my anorak dry again. Quite a waste of time, really. And besides which, I'm trying to avoid the Reddich Sunrises, y'know. That's this drink I've invented. It's a cocktail, actually. It's very sophisticated, and very easy to make. It, uhm, a bottle of Tia Maria, which you pour into a pint glass, right? And mix in an ice cube to taste. Well, it's a taste Tia Miara, basically. But you've got to watch it, though. I had three of them last Wednesday. I ended up having eaten an entire tablecloth. I woke up in the morning inside the fridge. I'd written a complete novel on the inside of the icebox. It was a very good novel, actually, but I had to defrost the fridge to get my finger back, you know, and bang went the novel. Well, drip drip went the novel, actually, y'know. So I thought, no, I'll steer clear of it. I'll have an ice cream instead. That'll kill half an hour. So I went up to the woman, right. I said, "Uh, I'll have an ice cream, please."
And she said, "Oh, yeah?"
I said, "Yeah, I'll have an ice cream, please."
She said, "Oh, well, you'd better go up to the canteen then."
I said, "What do you mean?"
She said, "This is the ladies lavatory."
So I said, "Oh, right, okay then, right," and I went up to the canteen. I went up to the woman there. It was a different woman, y'know. Well, it could've been the same woman. She would've had to run very fast up the corridor, and do some pretty snappy plastic surgery, y'know. I don't think she can have done that, y'know. Well, I would've noticed the surgeons coming out, y'know. Ah, no, I think it was a completely new woman. Well, she was about forty-five, but you know what I mean, y'know.
GET THEM RHINOES OUT OF HERE! Pesky things!
I can't remember what I was saying now. Uh...now I'm losing the atmosphere. Uhm, uh....knock knock. (Audience says, "Who's there").
Oh, you've heard it. Uh, well, anyway, this week, I've been investigating them nasty little sticky things that you stick things to walls with, right, and what I've discovered is if you eat a whole packet of them, it sticks your teeth together for four days. So my tip of the week is if you're going to eat a whole packet of them things before a conversation, and it'll stick your teeth together for four days, then that's a really bad idea. Alright, so until next week, this is Kevin Turvey...y'know, just sitting here in this chair. Goodnight.
猜得到我今天怎麼了？你永遠猜不到，猜幾百萬年也猜不到。那我好像不能講這個了？我還是跟你們說好了。今天我家被投錯報紙了。今天早上，通常我會收到 Smash Hits（英國流行音樂雜誌，字面是狠狠敲打），但是今天，真的啦，我被打過。今天他們卻給我Record Mirror（一樣是英國音樂雜誌）。居然會發生這種事，太神奇了對吧？我看下次他們就要給我一瓶Vimto而不是一瓶牛奶了。那會讓你的玉米片嚐起來有 點Vimto，不是嗎。除非你剛好是吃可可脆餅(一種黑黑圓圓的脆餅，也可泡在牛奶裡)之類的，或水煮蛋。但你們的水煮蛋應該不像可可脆餅吧，比較圓，更 像一顆蛋，瞭嗎。而且可可脆餅不會生出小雞，除非你產生幻覺吧。
總之，這些事從沒發生在我身上。跟這事有點類似的呢，是我遇過一個自稱是 送牛奶的傢伙。但他看起來一點也不像。真的，他可能在說謊。人們說謊啊。就像我的腿昨天截肢了，這就是說謊。但是很妙的謊言，因為人們可以靠這個謊賺不少 錢，我可以靠它賺很多錢。因為我把錢都拿去買冰淇淋了。一個半小時前，在這之前，我正在到處閒逛，我有一個半小時需要消磨呢。我想要嘛就去酒吧，浸淫在酒 精中，瞭嗎？但我又想，我老是做這種事，我的風衣要乾掉得等很久呢。那太浪費時間了。
再說，我一直在戒雷迪奇日出。這是一種我發明的酒。 其實是雞尾酒。很複雜，但也很容易調製。你準備一瓶添萬利，倒進一品脫的酒杯，然後兌著冰塊飲用。喔，不就是添萬利純飲嗎？但你要注意了，我上週三喝了三 杯，喝到後來變成在吃餐桌布。早上醒來時我人在冰箱裡。我還在冰盒裡寫了一整篇小說。那是一篇很棒的小說，但我得將冰箱解冷，才能把我的手指拿出來，那小 說就這麼毀了。滴滴答答的那小說。所以我還是別喝這酒，去吃冰淇淋吧。那夠我吃一個半小時了。於是我去找那個賣冰淇淋的女人，我說「我要一支冰淇淋，謝 謝。」
她說「哦，是嗎？」
我說「是的，我要一支冰淇淋，謝謝。」
她說「既然如此，你最好去小吃部吧。」
我說「什麼意思？」
她說「這裡是女廁呀。」
我說「噢，好，沒問題。」於是我去了小吃部，跟在那兒的女人說話。不是同一個女人。有可能是同一個，她必須要從走廊很快的跑過去，然後迅速動個整形手術。我覺得她沒有，不然我也會注意到醫生走出來啊。總之我想這完全是另一個女人。她大約四五十歲，但你們知道我想說什麼。
把那些犀牛弄出去，混帳東西！
我忘記剛剛再說什麼了，我搞不清楚狀況了。呃...敲敲門。
觀眾：誰在外面。
噢， 你們聽過了啊。話說回來，這個禮拜，我一直在調查一種小小黏黏的玩意，你們用來把東西貼在牆上的那個。我發現如果你將那玩意吃掉一整包，它就會把你的嘴黏 在一起整整四天。所以我本週的建議是，如果你在說話前，想將那玩意吃上一整包的話，它就會把你的嘴黏在一起整整四天，這絕不是個好主意。好了，下個禮拜別 忘了，這是Kevin Turvey...瞭嗎，就坐在這張椅子上。晚安。
10.The Supernatural
Good evening. This is Kevin Turvey. There's something different about me this week, isn't there? Can you spot it? I've had a haircut. Nope. That's not it, is it? What can it be then? That's right- I'm not here. I have completely disappeared and become utterly invisible. I'm floating around in the air, and, like, in and out of cupboards.
But I'm now visible again. Uh, uh, and I'm not floating around anymore. Good, I was getting a bit airsick anyway.
Good evening, Britain. That was an investigation into the nature of the supernatural, and, as you probably spotted, it was completely great. My name is Kevin Turvey. Why? Well, I don't know. It's not my fault. Somebody gave it to me, and I wasn't consulted. You'd think they might've asked me, don't you? I mean, I'm the one who has to go the rest of his life being called Kevin Turvey by people. It makes you sick, anyway. I'll tell you what maked me really sick, though. Drinking a pint of salt water and jamming my fingers down my throat. That makes me really sick, that does, so, like, whenever possible, I try to avoid doing that, y'know. Especially on the television. 'Cause, like, it gets down the back and makes the picture go all wiggly, y'know. And all the programs begin to stink. Even Fame! And then you get this horrible stinging pain in the back of your head, and you go, "Ow! Stop hitting me, Mom!"
And she says, "What's all this sick?"
And you say, "Well, it's mainly vegetables, but there's some cornflakes down there, I think, and a cup of tea and things like that, y'know? Anyways, it's a whole, horrible business, and I just try to avoid it whenever possible, being sick, y'know? Especially in the fridge. Well, 'cause things last longer in the fridge, don't they? Y'know? 'Cause, like, we've got this fridge at home, y'know? Well, we mainly use it for keeping things in that we want to keep cold, y'know. Well, it ain't much good for anything else, really. I mean, you can't get Radio One on it. Well, not unless you put the radio inside it first, y'know. I tried that the other day, actually.
But, I'd just opened the fridge door, right, and I heard this terrible ringing sound, and I thought, oh no, I've smashed my face on the fridge door again! But I hadn't, 'cause, like, the ringing carried on and on, and it turned into a thumping, and this voice saying, "Let me in, Turvey! Open up the door!" And I though, oh no, not the front door again? And I was right, 'cause, like, it was the back door, y'know? So, I changed what I was thinking a bit, and I thought, oh no, not the back door again?
So I got up, right? Went out into the hall, 'cause, well, you've got to get out into the hall to get to the back door, you see. Well, no the only alternative is smashing down the wall next to the cooker. I'm not going to get involved in all that again, right? Anyway, I got to the back door, right, opened it up and everything. That was easy, really. Well, I'd done it loads of times before, y'know. Just go out, twist the handle a bit, and open up the door, y'know. Piece of piss, really. Well, it's made out of wood, y'know, but you know what I mean, really. Anyway, I got outside and guess what? There was absolutely nobody there! Well, except me, and, uh, some paving stones, and a fly or two. But there was nobody else, and I thought, hello. I didn't say it, like, y'know, I just thought, hello. Well, there was not much point in saying it, 'cause there was nobody else there, y'know.
But I'll tell you something funny, right? There's this bloke, and he goes into a pub, and there's a donkey behind the bar, and he goes up to the donkey, and he says, "Awright, Brian?" Well, he guessed his name, y'know.
And the donkey says, "Awright, mate." Well, only, with his hoofs, y'know. He goes...tap tap tap...
And the bloke says, "I'll have a pint of bitter, please."
And the donkey says, "Right, mate."
Probably said that. He says, "Pint of bitter, was it?"
And the bloke says, "That's right."
And he goes, "Here you are, then."
Told you it was funny, didn't I? *snicker* Ain't got nothing to do with the story, though, but, that's the way things are sometimes, isn't it, y'know? Well, that just about raps it up for another week. Before I'd like to go, I'd just like to say, "Um, I'm going now. Tata." Yeah, that's what I was going to say. So, until next week, this is Kevin Turvey saying, "Keep your trousers up, keep your legs down, and THIS IS THE AGE.....of the train."
晚上好。我是Kevin Turvey。
這個禮拜的我有點不同，對不對？你們看出來了嗎？我剪了新的髮型。不對，不是那個吧？那是什麼呢？沒有錯，我不在這裡。我徹底隱形了，你們完全看不到我。我飄在空氣中，在碗櫥間進進出出。
現在我又現形了。呃，呃，而且我現在沒有飄在空中了。太好了，我在上面頭都暈了。
晚上好，英國。剛剛那是在調查超自然現象。如你們所見，那真是太棒了。我是Kevin Turvey。為什麼？呃，我不知道。這又不是我的錯。有人幫我取的，都沒問過我。你們想說他們會問一下的，對吧？我是說，我是那個這輩子都要被叫做Kevin Turvey的人。真讓人想吐。但我告訴你什麼才叫我想吐：喝下一品脫的鹽水然後把我的手指往喉嚨裡掏，那才叫我想吐。不過，呃，我盡可能不要那麼做。尤其是在上電視的時候。那會把這弄得搖搖欲墜的，整個攝影棚都會開始發臭，就連攝影鏡頭都是。接著你的後腦勺就會痛得要命，你大喊「嗷！別再打我了，媽！」
她說「這些嘔吐物是什麼鬼？」
你說「呃，大部分都是蔬菜，但底下還有一些玉米片和一杯茶。」總之，那會搞得亂七八糟的，無論如何我都會盡量避免。尤其是在冰箱裡的時候。因為東西在冰箱裡可以放得比較久，不是嗎？我家有個冰箱，我們用它來放些需要冷藏的東西。除此之外它就不能放別的了。你總不能把廣播一台放進去嘛。除非你先把收音機先冰進去。
我之前試過一次，但是我打開冰箱的時候，聽到很可怕的鈴聲。我心想不好了，我的臉又被冰箱門打到了。但我沒有，因為鈴聲持續著，接著轉為重捶 ，一個聲音說道「讓我進去，Turvey！把門打開！」我心想，噢不，不會又是前門吧？我沒想錯，因為那是從後門傳來的。於是我稍微改變了想法，接著我想，噢不，不會又是後門吧？
於是我起身。來到走廊。你得來到走廊才能走到後門去，瞭嗎，或者你也可以把廚房隔壁的牆打穿。我不想花時間那麼做，好嗎？總之，我走到後門，把它打開，這很容易，我之前就做過很多次。走出去，轉動把手，再把門打開。像撒尿一樣簡單，真的。它是用木頭做的，但你們懂的。我走出去，猜怎麼了？根本沒有人！呃，除了我，一些鋪路的石頭，一兩隻蒼蠅，就沒有其他人在了。我心想，哈囉。我沒說出來，我只是這麼想，哈囉。說出來沒什麼意義吧，因為根本沒有人在啊。
但我跟你們講個好笑的，有個男的走進酒吧，酒吧的後面有一頭驢子，他走向那頭驢子，說「如何，Brian？」名字他亂猜的。
那驢子說「好啊，朋友。」用牠的蹄說，像這樣...。
那男的說「我要一品脫苦啤，謝謝。」
驢子說「好，兄弟。」
然後牠說「一杯苦啤，對嗎？」
男的說「沒錯。」
牠說「在這裡。」（here, then.與驢子的叫聲Equu諧音)
就說很好笑吧？跟我要講的一點關係也沒有就是了。但事情有時就是這樣，不是嗎？這就留到以後再說了。在結束之前，我要說「呃，我要走了，掰掰。」這就是我要說的。下個禮拜別忘了，Kevin Turvey對你說「把褲頭拉好，把腿蹲低，火車的時代－－到來了！」（哏為Jimmy Saville的廣告）
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